It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
