this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
