At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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