Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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