Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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