I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
