Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
