I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Randomize
