I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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