my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
