Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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