I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
