Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
