I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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