Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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