he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
