Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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