A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Your cock deserves a montage
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
