do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
