we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
