Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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