I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
A bitchslap is in order.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
