she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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