I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
