she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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