I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
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He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.