I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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