proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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