My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
