Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
