i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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