it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
