i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
