I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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