I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
