btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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