did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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