Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
