Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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