census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Never joke about your clitoris.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
