Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
