I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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