The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
