fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
In other news, I just burned my penis
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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