this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
