My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Are we still banned from the library?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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