I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
