I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
