That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
