And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
