So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
In America we eat man semen.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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