had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just googled if crying burns calories
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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