11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize