I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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