Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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