He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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