How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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