do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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