lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
