hotel room ftw
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
